How Bristol Palin Can Save Her Show

I have no beef with Bristol Palin. I’m not a fan of her famous mother, but Bristol always struck me as basically a nice girl who is in a little over her head. When she announced she was going to have a reality show, I expressed my concern here, as she claimed her normalness and level-headedness would be a prime feature of this show.

I tuned in to her first episode out of curiosity. It was a total snooze.

Apparently, level-headedness really doesn’t make for interesting television.

I could have told her that. While Bristol and I have differing opinions on many things, we do have something in common: we want people to at least think we’re well-adjusted women who handle conflict appropriately. The problem is that no one wants to spend time watching us handle conflict appropriately, because that is dull.

You know why I don’t have my own TV show? Because every episode would be me editing, writing, emailing writers, spending time with my bird, and generally just…being a boring, hard-working individual. Bristol’s show is much the same; she goes around and does her thing, occasionally gets into anticlimactic arguments, but nothing really happens.

This doesn’t work in reality television. People want drama. They want fireworks. They want Sharon Osbourne throwing a ham.

Bristol, if you want your show to survive while being the upstanding, non-dramatic person you are, then there’s only one thing to do: surround yourself with wacky accomplices who will get you into all sorts of bizarre situations. You can then handle these bizarre situations with grace and dignity and a few witty one-liners. People will watch your show and be amused by the wackiness, while also being impressed. “That Palin girl sure handled herself well,” they’ll say. “Did you see the one where she had to intern for Anna Wintour? Oof. That was wild.”

I submit the following drama-creating suggestions to Bristol and the Lifetime team:

1. Rip out someone’s weave.
2. Get some dramatic companions. I hear Jill Zarin from Real Housewives is available.
3. Musical numbers. Hey, at least it’d be something different.
4. Levi and his new girl move in next door. Wait, they already did this on Reba.
5. Zombies.
6. Cage match with Kim Kardashian.
7. Intern for Anna Wintour, since the world got such a kick out of her complaining about Los Angeles style.
8. Actually, let her try out all kinds of weird careers. Give her a guest role on Ghost Hunters, let her help Dr. G dissect dead people, make her apprentice to the guys on Pawn Shop. Too bad Queer Eye for the Straight Guy isn’t still running.

Or...abandon the idea of “reality” television altogether and just go for something absurd. Bristol Palin: Wedding Crasher has a nice ring to it; Bristol will travel around the world, making surprise appearances at weddings and trying to convince guests that she really does know someone at the wedding. Wait, maybe that’s more like Six Degrees of Bristol Palin.

Is Kevin Bacon around to play a sidekick?