Ask Melissa!

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for six years. My ex wanted to remain friends, and I agreed, but it’s difficult for me to think about how I can move on with my life when I’m still talking to him every day. Is this normal? Should I stop talking to him completely?

The best advice I can give you about being friends with your ex is this: put your own feelings first and do what is best for you. Many couples are able to have great friendships after a breakup; some even get along better after separation than they did during their relationship. However, having an ex in your life can be painful at times, especially if you have unresolved issues together.

A friendship with your ex should be clearly defined by boundaries set by both of you. An obvious pitfall is the continuation of a physical relationship after your emotional relationship has ended. This leads to confusion and will most likely cause one of you to believe that your relationship is going to be rekindled, while the other is enjoying the benefits of a “no strings attached” situation. Be especially cautious about the type of interaction you have with your ex. Avoid any situations that could cause confusion and hurt feelings.

Sooner or later, you will both start dating and enter into new relationships with other people. Brace yourself for the fact that it might be “sooner” for him and “later” for you. If you think being friends with him now is complicated, just imagine what it will be like with a new girlfriend thrown into the mix. She might not approve of your friendship with her boyfriend and things could get really messy. You should discuss these scenarios with your ex before you agree to a friendship with him. It is much easier to be objective when dealing with hypothetical situations.

The most important thing for you to focus on right now is moving on with your life. Developing a friendship with your ex could be helpful to you during this process, but only if you can learn to rely on him as a friend. You cannot have the same expectations of him that you had when you were in a relationship, which means you must learn to take care of yourself and grow as an independent person. If being friends with your ex is preventing you from moving on, then you should end the friendship. Keep in mind that your feelings may change over time, and it might become difficult for you to remain close to him as you distance yourself further from your past relationship. Be honest with yourself, pay attention to your feelings, and most importantly, never stop moving forward.

Need advice about your career, relationships, style, health, or just life in general? Ask Melissa! Send your questions to: askmelissa.stylequirk@gmail.com