Ask Melissa!

My boyfriend and I are ALWAYS fighting! It seems like we break up and get back together at least once a week. I don’t know if I should try to make it work or just give up. Help!

All couples have disagreements, but constantly arguing with your significant other will eventually wear you down as individuals and weaken the relationship. If the arguments result in one or both of you ending the relationship, they must be very intense. If you want your relationship to continue, you must remember that the hurtful things you say to each other when you are fighting cause damage that will far outlast the fight itself. You are right to question your future. This is the breaking point; you have to decide if you will commit to having a healthy relationship together, or if you are ready to let go of each other.

If you want to restore harmony to your relationship, communication is the key. If it seems like arguing is the only way you are verbalizing your feelings, discover more effective ways to communicate. Sometimes it helps to write things down before discussing them to get the intensity of your feelings out on paper instead of taking it out on your partner. Look at your patterns; for example, do you argue when you are tired or when you have been drinking? Make a promise to avoid serious conversations during times when you are more likely to argue. Decide what your ideal “time to talk” would be, and reserve that time to resolve issues.

In order to find a resolution, you first need to understand what is at the heart of your disagreements. Arguing over every little thing is a sign of deeper unresolved issues. For example, you weren’t really upset that he didn’t take the trash out last week – you were upset that he stayed out all night without calling. Instead of yelling about who is responsible for which household chores, you should be trying to establish boundaries of acceptable behavior based on both of your needs and wants. Ask yourself, “What is really bothering me?” and ask your partner, “What is really bothering you?” before spending all night arguing over dirty dishes.

You should also consider couples counseling. I know it may sound scary, but it’s actually not. An experienced relationship counselor will provide a forum for you to express your views in a controlled and calm environment. In other words, you can say what you need to say without screaming at each other for hours! You will also receive guidance and advice from an uninterested party. Friends and family tend to take sides, so this is a great way to gain a new perspective on your issues. Don’t be discouraged by the idea of “needing help,” as many happy and successful couples benefit from frequent counseling.

Be prepared for the journey of repairing and rebuilding your relationship. It will not be easy. You may decide that it’s not worth it. If you choose to end your relationship, do so with a clear and calm mind, not during the heat of an argument. Breaking up is tough, but if you would be happier apart than you could be together, it’s time to let go. Understand that you cannot continue to hurt each other, so a change must be made. No matter which path you decide to take, remember to focus on becoming a stronger, better, healthier and happier person, and that will lead to a stronger, better, healthier and happier relationship.

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