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Your lifestyle, your quirk
What do you get the child that has everything?
A truck? A plane? A train set?
I’m not sure where, exactly, the fear of clowns came from – I figure Stephen King’s It contributed – but there are a hell of a lot of people who go into convulsions (or think about going into convulsions) the instant a clown steps into view. If you’re a parent and are absolutely dying to troll your clown-fearing offspring, you’re in luck!
Dominic Deville’s Evil Clown Service is ready, willing, and able to torment your spawn. Not only will Deville slink around in a terrifying clown mask; he’ll also “post notes warning children they will be attacked ... send chilling texts, make prank phone calls, and set traps in letterboxes.”
The actual attack entails smashing a cake into the child’s face.
(For what it’s worth, I believe “letterboxes” are U.K.-speak for mailboxes.)
I can’t help but imagine myself at, oh, ten or eleven years of age. I wasn’t entirely afraid of clowns yet, but I’d always harbored a sneaking suspicion that they were up to no good. Watching some snaggle-toothed, red-nosed, evil-looking clown follow me around town might have been the end of me. Can you imagine walking out of a frozen yogurt store and seeing that thing staring at you?
For a moment, let’s put aside the joking and take Deville into consideration. “The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,” he says.
Dude, what kind of skeezy parent wants his child to feel like she’s being chased? Look, I know you moms and dads out there sometimes wouldn’t mind duct-taping your spawn to the wall for a time out, but do you really want to cause lasting psychological damage? Because, er, that’s kind of what being pursued by an insane clown demon lookalike does.
See, he doesn’t just look like an average clown with, say, a grimace. Oh, no. That would be too easy! He’s wearing a mask with sunken eyes, taut and yellowed skin, and bloody patches where he’s either been gnawed on by rats or himself.
In short, he looks kind of like a zombie clown.
I can only imagine what’s going to happen when the parents of some street-savvy, Romero-loving little troll decide to spring the Evil Clown on him for his birthday. Ten bucks it’s not going to be pretty. The splattered cake will be the least of his worries.