Four People You Don’t Want to Meet at the Gym

I’ve recently started going to the gym with my dad. I don’t “work out” so much as stretch and pretend I know what I’m doing, and I like watching him go through his martial arts training and watching his buddy teach the sport. So I’m not an athlete by any means, but I am a pretty observant person. I’ve held memberships to gyms before now, and I remember going to run and just being pestered to death by certain types of people. I’ve decided to put together a list of the four kinds of people you don’t want to meet at the gym.

The “Buddies” – These are the guys who rally together for a “day at the gym,” better known as a time to get together and say things like, “Hey man, I bet I can do four hundred today! I’m gonna lift that sh*t!” And things of that sort. They congregate together and spend most of the time doing strange, jiggling and wiggling moves with their legs as they attempt to lift more weight than they should. They are not concerned with form, fitness, or being healthy, only having big “guns.” You’ll know them when they walk in the door because they’ll be swaggering, and there’ll be two or more. Sometimes you’ll know when they’re coming before they even get in the door, because you can hear their music when they pull up. When they arrive, look forward to much loud encouragement from friends, such as, “You can do it, dude! You got this!”

The Guy That’s Older than You and Still Has You Beat By a Long Shot – This guy is older, usually not younger than fifty, and always has a moustache. He’s wrinkly, tough, and can lift your two-door garage. Think you feel macho lifting weights? Wait until this guy comes in. He won’t say anything to you, because he’s been there, done that, since before Chuck Norris was a twinkling in his mama’s eye.

The “Let’s Talk Guy” – It never fails that there’s one guy who just wants to stand around and talk. Maybe he’s talking about his form, how awesome his old martial arts teacher was (but he always seems to have broken that teacher’s jaw, or inflicted various forms of defeat on him at one time or another), but he always talks a lot more than he works out. Sometimes he’ll offer to help you out.

The Woman – She needs no more of an introduction. She’s a girl, and she’s five times more fit than you. She’s probably got a deadly uppercut, but she can also outrun you, out-lift you, and smirk at you while doing it. Her boyfriend is probably three hundred pounds of pure muscle and buys protein shake mix in bulk as a birthday present for her. They probably have a steel bedframe.

I hope you never have to deal with these guys at the gym too much, but if you do, the best thing to do is tune them out. Bring some great tunes, pop on your headphones, and zone out as best you can.