CDC Denies Zombie Apocalypse is Coming

This is exactly how it starts, people. A rash of strange, seemingly unconnected incidents occur – maybe they’re all in Florida, maybe they aren’t – but they’re all definitely not usual human behavior. A handful of intrepid souls begin to wonder if something’s wrong. The government denies anything out of the ordinary, much like Officer Barbrady on South Park: “Move along, nothing to see here.”

Sound familiar? It’s the plot of pretty much every outbreak movie ever, and that includes zombie movies.

Someone from the Huffington Post cared enough to contact the CDC. I do not know what the contents of this email were; I like to think it went something like, “Hey, CDC, people are getting eaten and the citizens of this fine country are getting worried. Would you like to issue a statement to calm our souls?”

David Daigle, a spokesman, responded with, “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms).”

Textbook government denialism right there. Why on Earth would they tell us that a strange virus is mutating people and turning them into hideous, flesh-eating monsters? The remaining uninfected would panic, and panicking people are much more difficult to control than those who think nothing is going on.

Folks, we’re living in our very own zombie movie.

Fortunately, Stylequirk is here for you. Not only will we assist you in developing your personal fashion sense during what’s left of our normal world, we’re also ready to survive the zombie apocalypse. We’re just cool that way.

Abby has put together a list of survival tips here, and more important information is on the way.

Stay safe. Be alert. If your neighbor comes toward you with his mouth hanging open and arms outstretched…well, he might just be choking on his calamari, but why risk finding out otherwise?