Get Ready, They’re Coming

If you haven’t heard of it, you should probably be aware: there are zombies in North America. The recent zombie attacks in Florida have been covered up by the government. They’re not just crazy people. These are real (live?) zombies we’re dealing with here. They’re terrifying. Are you scared? Don’t be. You just need to prepare for their arrival. Because they’re definitely coming.

1.       Get your house ready. You need barbed wire fences all around the perimeter of your house, coupled with a regular picket fence. Zombies aren’t deft climbers, so they won’t be able to easily scale the fence, and the barbed wire should both confuse them and rip them to pieces. And don’t forget to lock your door! People always do seem to forget that.

2.       If they manage to make it past the fence, you need booby traps. You need pits covered with leaves, tripwire bombs, and spikes in the ground to trap their feet. Also, bear traps.

3.       If your zombies have made it past all this, you’re dealing with some real problematic beasts. You’re going to need firepower. Fully automatic rifles and lots of ammunition. You need to take sniping lessons, because you’re going to want that ammunition to last. Shoot them in the head and you won’t need to do much more. You’re kind of screwed if you aren’t a good shot.

4.       Still being attacked? If you live in a two-story house, get upstairs and block off the lower half. You can throw furniture down the stairs or destroy the staircase. Zombies can’t fly; they’ll eventually re-die down there.

5.       You’re going to needs lots of food and water. Go ahead and start stocking up on Beanie Weenies now. They last forever! And they’re really, really healthy. All those beans are great for being with multiple people in enclosed spaces, too. You need a pot and stove to boil water in, because eventually, you’re going to run out of bottled water.

6.       Keep close. Never let your family out of sight. Or else.

7.       Be prepared to make hard decisions. If someone in your family is infected, you’re going to have to take them out. Remember that they’re no longer Billy or Kim or Brandon. They’re now a soulless monster that wants to eat you. There’s no love or personality in there. The person you loved is long dead.

These zombie attacks are real. Do not believe what the police say. They are not cracked-out weirdos, these are real people infected with the zombie virus. You need to protect yourself and your family.