Horoscopes 5/9

These horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. Please do not attempt to live them out, as Style Quirk will not be held responsible for you angering the Coffee Shop Mafia, the Men in Black, or those creepy people from The ’Burbs.

Aries

Joining the Men in Black probably wasn’t a career option you’d considered up to this point, but really, what could go wrong? You get a cool suit, you fly around in a helicopter, and you get to confuse hapless civilians by the dozen. Go for it, Aries. The universe needs you.

Taurus

The “gift” you thought the neighborhood cat left you wasn’t from the neighborhood cat at all. It’s also not really a gift.

Gemini

My clairvoyance only stretches so far, but I sense a disturbance in your personal force field. That spat you got into with your local barista is about to turn ugly: never argue with the Coffee Shop Mafia.

Cancer

Some days, it’s better not to get out of bed at all. This, unfortunately, is one of those days. Lower the blinds, lock your doors, and crawl back under the covers. Trust the stars, it’s for the best.

Leo

Remember that flamethrower you saw on Amazon? Buy it. Make sure it’s got at least a fifteen-foot radius. You’re going to need it with December rolls around.

Virgo

Right now, you’re raising your eyebrows at Leo’s entry, wondering why anyone would buy a flamethrower off Amazon. That’s not the question you should be asking, though. Rather, wonder why Amazon is selling flamethrowers at all.

Libra

The odd, grunting neighbors who just moved in next door have been asking an awful lot of questions. Check out their backyard one night to see what they’re up to. Remember to do this without a flashlight or any weapons.

Scorpio

Today you’ll be called to act as an escape driver for some casual criminals you barely know. Say yes and embark on the adventure of a lifetime; say no and wind up finding a wonderful surprise on the way home. Which will you choose?

Sagittarius

Hey, you. Yeah, you. I see you sitting there, reading this horoscope. I’m right behind you. Don’t roll your eyes at me. You never should have said “Bloody Mary” three times to the mirror.

Capricorn

You really are the extra member of the Avengers, no matter what your parents say. Grab your weed whacker and join the fight against injustice!

Aquarius

Remember, Aquarius, just because they look Amish doesn’t mean they are Amish.

Pisces

If you’re unhappy about something in your life, cue up a montage and do something about it. There’s nothing you can’t accomplish when “Eye of the Tiger” is playing in the background.