My Fair Wedding

Anyone poorly planning a wedding this summer? Specifically an awkwardly themed wedding complete with plastic decor purchased from a local Party City? Well, congratulations if this describes you, because you may have the beginning of what it takes to have celebrity-wedding planner David Tutera, of WEtv’s hit series My Fair Wedding fame, step in and completely take over. I’m not saying partially take over; I’m saying full-blown army-occupy your wedding.

Each episode follows a similar script. The show spotlights a bride-to-be in her home explaining the wedding theme and organization process that she thinks is a good idea. Of course, it isn’t…if it were, she wouldn’t be on the show to begin with.

Enter David Tutera with an optimistic, spray-tanned glow. He (sometimes) gently advises the bride-to-be: “So you were thinking a barbeque masquerade soiree with centerpieces hot glued together from the Mardi Gras rager you had last Halloween? Charming, but no.”

He examines all angles of her wedding, providing his opinion on each segment:

“What does your dress look like? No.”

“What do your bridesmaids dresses look like? Honey, I haven’t seen that much tulle since the ’80s. No.”

“What does your venue look like? You know what, don’t even explain, because I’m not going to accept it anyways.”

Typically the only wedding accessory the bride-to-be gets to keep ownership of…is her fiancé.

I suppose this is the point of the show, revamping the pea-sized nuptial plans of uncreative souls in love. Every minute is packed with self-promoting product after product of Tutera-approved merchandise. One couple even had their quaint rings of betrothal thrown out the hypothetical window of unacceptance and replaced by a Tutera design.

Each episode ends with the same epic tears of gratitude—so epic that the entire wedding party, but mostly the groom, get overshadowed by the savvy and expensive splendor that is the man Tutera.

After spending an evening engrossed in reruns with an economy-sized bottle of merlot, I came to an epiphany.

I too can do this! I can enter to win a chance at having a Tutera extravaganza wedding. All I need is a shoddy theme, 99-Cent Store accessories, and a man with both an amusing sense of humor and non-commitment issues. I’m thinking space travel to the Excalibur. Anyone have any lightsabers I can borrow?

David, I need you!