Quirky Horoscopes: May 8

These horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. Please do not attempt to live them out, as Style Quirk will not be held responsible for you angering the CIA, Men in Black, mafia, or Thor the Thunder God.

Aries

Remember that man in the black suit you cut in front of at Starbucks all those months ago? He smiled and said one day you’d return the favor. Aries, it’s time. The geese are flying south. Repeat, the geese are flying south.

Taurus

Try to avoid Libras and Aquarians today, as they’re sure to put a wrench in your digestion. Eat plenty of fiber leading up to your big meeting, as clogged pipes in front of the boss never goes well.

Gemini

Gemini, you shyster, thought you could get away with it, didn’t you? Unfortunately, the boss knows your little secret, and by boss we mean that creep at the laundromat you thought was just a bum. Abandon all hope and run for the hills while you can.

Cancer

The hickey on your neck only makes you more alluring, so take off that scarf and strut your stuff. Everyone may say vampires aren’t real, but you know better – you’ve got the physical evidence to prove it! Just don’t look in a mirror. You might be surprised by what you (don’t) see.

Leo

Lock your doors and invest in some high-quality garlic; the same vampire that gave Cancer a hickey is coming after you next. Also, your neighbor is spying on you via infra-red technology and some clever wiretapping. Thwart his evil plans by blasting Black Sabbath 24/7.

Virgo

Your concerns about your creepy cousin’s pet javelin, Mary, are correct. No one puts a wig on a javelin.

Libra

The horde of undead approaching your home may be thwarted by a proper offering. Meat lover’s pizza and chocolate-covered raisins should do the trick. The only catch? They want human meat. Don’t worry, no one will miss your roommate.

Scorpio

Don’t feel bad about being called Captain Obvious. You know what? Every movie and show needs a Captain Obvious to point out the obvious for the simpler members of the audience. You serve a purpose, Scorpio, even if you don’t know it yet.

Sagittarius

Expect a minor concussion when a surfboard smacks you in the head. Pay attention to this deeply symbolic gesture; the heavens are speaking to you!

Capricorn

The skies are brimming with possibilities: new job, new home, new lifestyle. But with a new lifestyle comes new problems; werewolves aren’t anybody’s friend. Remember that when the very hairy FedEx guy knocks on your door.

Aquarius

You’ll receive an intriguing surprise today when Thor, God of Thunder, delivers some uncomfortable news. Once you get over his smooth baritone and commanding nature, you’ll have forty seconds to pack up your belongings and get out of your mother-in-law’s house before Thor goes Viking on your rump.

Pisces

As a fish, you may find yourself constantly swimming against the current. Embrace the unexpected difficulties in your life, like the 175 drunken male golfers that you’re about to spend way too much quality time with. Keep some crackers on hand to placate them and you’ll be fine.