Weekly Horoscopes

These horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. The Coffee Shop Mafia probably isn’t out to get you…it’s your neighbor they’re after, but they will accept you as collateral damage. 

Aries

Your efforts to be more daring will not be rewarded if all you’re willing to do is venture outside after dark. Face it, you’re not daring unless you go skydiving.

Taurus

Every now and then, you wake up with a knot in your belly and a craving for something out of the ordinary. Don’t follow Aries into skydiving hell. Just give in to your baser instincts and hit up Taco Bell.

Gemini

Why do dentists expect you to carry on a conversation when they have sharp, pointy objects in your gumline? This is how they’re going to take over the world, you know. Via gingivitis.

Cancer

If you’re in an accident and your underwear is grungy, tattered, or otherwise messy, the emergency workers will work on someone else. Remember this next time you get dressed.

Leo

Radiation is coming out of Michigan. In the event of a government coverup, remember to fetch your tin-foil hat and plenty of coffee. It’s going to be a long apocalypse.

Virgo

The erotica market is selling like gangbusters on Amazon. Remember this next time you think about penning your memoirs. Yeah, life stories are inspirational, but erotic life stories are…inspirational. If you know what we mean.

Scorpio

Riding a bicycle while under the influence will still get you a DUI. Unfortunately, you learned that the hard way and are now sharing a prison cell with Sweet Bubba. Just close your eyes and think of Toeldo.

Sagittarius

Remember to unplug all of your electrical devices before you go to bed. Not only will the electromagnetic waves interfere with your REM, they’re also helping the Coffee Shop Mafia keep you under observation.

Capricorn

Those coupons to the Container Store will expire tomorrow – Capricorn, you owe it to yourself to do a little shopping. Don’t think about the cost. Just think about all the potential shelving you can acquire.

Aquarius

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is how to commit the perfect crime. Hint: piracy isn’t it. Grab your getaway car and let’s get rolling.

Pisces

If your child/neighbor/pet parrot has learned how to mimic your sneezing, it’s time to invest in allergy medication. That is all.