Weekly Horoscopes

These horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. Please do not actually try to eat a spider during sleep or otherwise; they have a crunchy consistency, and their legs might get stuck in your teeth.

Aries

If you can’t say something nice, then at least try to say something funny.

Taurus

Sometimes, a vision of Tyra Banks screaming at you is the only motivation you need to get out of bed in the morning.

Gemini

Don’t ask what your horoscope can do for you. Ask what you can do for your horoscope.

Cancer

Relationships are like coffee. Some are good straight up, while others need a lot of sweeteners. But if relationships are coffee, does that mean therapists are dentists?

Leo

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And alien abduction.

Virgo

Next time you consider the creepy old house down the street, ponder the following question: Is it really trespassing if no one lives there?

Libra

Your run-in with the law has landed you in more trouble than you anticipated. Just remember to smile for your mug shot – that’s how your lawyer will pick you.

Scorpio

The stars have decreed that peanut butter truly solves all of life’s little problems. If you are allergic to peanut butter…well, it won’t be solving your problems.

Sagittarius

There are some people in your life who are only alive because you can’t afford to hire a hitman. Do not feel bad about this; just accept it and continue to smile tightly at them during your time together.

Capricorn

Humans consume an average of four spiders a year while they sleep. You just met your quota. Congratulations.

Aquarius

Running into that guy’s lifted truck wasn’t the best decision, but that torn-off bumper will buff right out.

Pisces

It is best to live by the wise words of Bill and Ted: Be excellent to each other.