Zombie Apocalypse Starting in Florida

Guys, brace yourselves. It’s happening.

The zombies are coming…well, some variant of them, anyway.

It all started in 2011, when a Galveston man attacked a woman and bit her several times. He turned himself into the police, claiming he was a 500-year-old vampire.

Then there was that creepy story where one man paid another to slice of bits of him and eat him alive.

And now we’ve got this guy, who was caught eating the face off another man.  

Police are blaming the whole gruesome scenario on a bad batch of drugs. I – and my other horror movie aficionados – are thinking this is how every zombie movie has ever started. Some dead guy gets up and starts chowing down on his buddies, and people blame drugs or sleeplessness or stress.

Then the zombie plague breaks out and oops, guess it wasn’t the cocaine. Further evidence of this is displayed at I Hope Rick Santorum, a blog apparently dedicated to wishing various forms of comedic ill on the former presidential candidate. The blog includes a list of weird, zombie-related things that have happened in Florida.

Folks, we may have an epidemic on our hands. Or at least a plot for Yet Another Awesome SyFy Channel Movie.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival is a column unto itself, but folks, the key is to remain calm. Panicked running in circles is nothing more than advertising yourself as the main course. Zombies love panicked people. Stay alert, move carefully, and don’t let yourself be terrified.

It also helps to keep a bat near your bed. You know, just in case. (Please don’t brain your spouse; we’d hate to be held responsible.)

Of course, you can say don’t panic and maybe one in twenty people will actually not panic. The other nineteen are too busy freaking the hell out, hence the authorities have to swoop in and tell us it was just some guy's really, really bad acid trip.

If we go along with the possibility that the zombie plague isn’t starting in Miami (how fitting!) and it really is cocaine psychosis…wow, what a gift for the anti-drug groups. “Don’t do cocaine, it’ll make you a cannibal,” or “Don’t be like the Donner Party, kids.”

For those of you who are curious about cannibalism but aren’t yet willing to attempt gnawing on your neighbor (and are too damn lazy to look at Wikipedia) try Resort to Cannibalism, a clever game I stumbled upon while looking for…you got it…more cannibal stories. There’s also Cannibal! The Musical, from the wonderful gents that brought you South Park.

As for the zombies…stay sharp. Know your surroundings. If your roommate staggers toward you with bloodshot eyes and a hungry expression, shove a cheeseburger at him. If he swats it aside…calmly run away.

We’ll keep you posted.