Oh, Siri

Siri, thou art a lying wench.

Remember how excited everyone was when Siri was announced? “ZOMG, Apple’s including an AI on the iPhone!” The advertisements were exciting. The introductory commercials showed a great deal of promise. I think most of my friends were picturing a female version of C-3P0 tucked into their phone (or maybe that was just me). I’m a PC gal at heart, but even I thought, Wow, I wish I had a freaky little robot who would act like a search engine.

As it turns out, Siri is not quite as smart as we hoped. In fact, she’s so dumb, Apple is being sued for false advertising. The Fox article I just linked y’all to says, “Apple’s TV ads depict Siri as an impressive, fast-acting feature that intelligently offers help or information in responds to a wide range of commands.”

Except she doesn’t.

I have two good friends who have the good fortune to possess iPhones with the Siri software. I say “good fortune” because while Siri seems utterly useless for...well...pretty much everything, she’s great entertainment.

Friend #1 uses Siri to transcribe text messages and email while she’s driving. This generally works out, except when Siri turns herself on (I’m assuming she gets bumped or jostled) and starts transcribing the noises around her, which is how Friend #1 ends up sending messages to me like “You’re guy you remember that link outline and leave it by never living hell for 8 AM because I hear camera and clean my fish and your Hadenfelt.”

At this point, I’ve learned to recognize Siri’s inability to use proper punctuation and greet her accordingly: “Hi, Siri.”

“Oh, Siri,” Friend #1 usually sighs. I mean, she texts, but I imagine her sighing as she types. “What the hell is hadenfelt? Sounds German.”

Friend #2 originally tried to use Siri the way Samuel L. Jackson and Zooey Deschanel do on those commercials, but quickly realized that Siri is just not intelligent enough to function that way. Friend #2 did the logical thing and started using Siri as a Magic 8-ball.

F2: Siri, what should I wear today?

Siri: I found a clothing store near you.

F2: I don’t want to go shopping, I want you to pick out an outfit for me.

Siri: Here are three shopping malls within walking distance.

F2: Uh...that’s not walking distance.

Siri: I don’t understand the question.

Using her like this can usually kill about five minutes. A bunch of us were out at a crepe restaurant in Huntington Beach and gathered around Siri, asking her what we should order and what we should do for the rest of the night.

Friend #1 caught on to this and began asking possibly inflammatory questions:

F1: Siri, are you the Matrix?

Siri: I am sorry Friend #1, but I cannot answer that.

F1: Ugh. At least you’re not calling me Irene anymore.

Siri: Sorry, I could not find Irene in your contacts.

F1: DIE IN A HOUSE FIRE.

Siri: Dial in a house fire? Who would you like to call?

Maybe she’s not dumb. Maybe she’s just got sarcasm down to such a fine art, the rest of us can’t understand it. Anyway, I’m not sure I’d sue over her, but she sure looks a hell of a lot better when Samuel L. Jackson is using her.

Then again, Sam Jackson can make pretty much anything look cool...